


take a deep breath (you'll choke on your sins)

by Bekka911



Series: i loved you too much [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Bad Friend Clary Fray, Clary is mentioned, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, It's angst, M/M, Simon Lewis & Alec Lightwood Friendship, Simon and Alec are friends, idk - Freeform, it's fluff, my boys are just so cute, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 16:09:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20361340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bekka911/pseuds/Bekka911
Summary: friendship with Alec is easy





	take a deep breath (you'll choke on your sins)

**Author's Note:**

> Next one!! I love this friendship so much

Friendship with Alec was quiet.

Simon didn’t know what he expected when he and Alec had attempted to be friends. Maybe he expected Alec to be like Magnus, all fluid grace and loud personality and a vast softness that was warm and living and familiar. Maybe he expected Alec to be like Jace, all hot, fast fire and quiet screams late at night and sharp edges and wolfish grins. Maybe he expected Alec to be like Izzy, with a sharp tongue and a brazen smile and a desperation to be better than what the world thought. Maybe he expected Alec to be like Clary, with shaky hands and fast-paced living and action before thought.

He didn’t expect Alec to be still and steady, and gentle in a way that wasn’t too soft. The shadowhunter was quiet, and he had curved edges and he wasn’t loud or rough or sharp. He was a nerd, and he flushed at the smallest things, and he was just a boy. Simon hadn’t expected him to be just a _boy_.

Simon _adored_ him.

They would sit and read together, whenever they could and Alec wouldn’t talk. Alec would hum a gentle melody and Simon would make small comments about the book he was reading. 

“He had one job!” He fumed once, slamming the book in his hands shut and huffing in frustration. He was too busy glaring at the novel to really take notice of Alec’s amused gaze settling on him. “Damnit, why are fictional characters so _stupid_? All he had to do was burn the damn flower! Did he do it? _Of course not!_”

The book ended up being thrown at the wall with a considerable amount of strength. 

Alec laughed, low and rich, and Simon knew that if he were still alive and not a vampire, he would be red down to his toes. “Sorry,” he mumbled, running his hand through his hair sheepishly. “I guess I forgot to mention I get really into my books.”

“I gathered,” Alec said lightly, eyes flicking over to the discarded book. “Don’t worry, it’s more endearing than annoying. At least this way I know you’re actually _reading_. Jace always used to pretend until I caught him trying to read a book upside down.”

Simon grinned, nothing more was said, and they went back to reading.

.

Friendship with Alec was childish.

Simon hadn’t known that a friendship could make him feel like a middle school student again, whispering secrets and stories to a casual Alec in the kitchen at two in the morning. Alec sat on the kitchen counter. Simon leaned against the oven. Both held mugs. Simon discovered that Alec harboured a secret love for hot chocolate. Alec learned that Simon had never tasted alcohol, and likely never would now that he was a vampire.

“I’d been waiting for so many years, and now I must wait forever more,” Simon said mournfully, and Alec smiled against the rim of his mug. “Oh, how the fates must hate me.”

“I don’t know,” Alec said, leaning forward slightly. Simon liked him like this - loose and happy and warm. “Maybe they knew what a terrible drunk you’d be, and decided to save everyone around you.”

Simon’s smile became strained. Later, he would tell Alec about his mother’s alcoholism. Alec would apologise. Simon would forgive him instantly.

They gossiped about love as well. Simon teased Alec about Magnus, and the shadowhunter would in turn tease Simon about Jace. Sometimes it got sexual-

“What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done?”

“What’s the hottest thing you’ve done?”

“Who tops?”

-and sometimes it was just a time for both of them to gush about their boyfriends to each other. Simon learned that Alec was adorably fond of Magnus’s cat eyes. Alec learned that Simon adored Jace with his hair pulled back into a little braid. 

Each time Alec mentioned Magnus, he lit up, and Simon sort of realised that Alec was absolutely terrified of being in love. 

“He picked the cat over me, and then I made him sleep on the couch,” Alec said, finishing the story with a content smile. His blue eyes glimmered with love and happiness, but there was a soft shadow hiding on his face, and this time Simon wouldn’t ignore it.

“You really love him, don’t you?” 

The shadow on Alec’s face shifted and darkened. “Yeah,” the shadowhunter said quietly, lifting his mug of hot chocolate to his lips. “Yeah, I think I really do.”

“That scares you.” Simon settled his hand on Alec’s arm as Alec jerked slightly. “It’s not a bad thing, Alec. Love is a scary thing. It can be overwhelming, and maybe you find it hard to swim against it, you know? Like-Like an ocean tide. It comes creeping in, and then sweeps you off your feet and out to sea and suddenly you’re drowning in it and you don’t know how to swim.”

Alec was quiet for a moment; he took a drink of hot chocolate. “I thought I loved Jace,” he confessed. “No, I thought I was _in_ love with Jace. Because I did love him, but not the way I love Magnus.”

“And that’s okay too.” Simon gave his friend an honest, soothing smile. “Alec, nobody expects you to have your emotions under control all the time. You’re young, and you’re trying to find your way in a big world full of a lot of hate. Personally, I think you’re doing great.”

Alec swept him into a hug and Simon thought that maybe being friends with Alec was pretty okay.

The next day, when Magnus and Alec surfaced again, something had eased between the couple, like some secret tension had dissipated. Alec never mentioned his conversation with Simon or their hug, but Simon found a bottle of blood mixed with some kind of Downworlder alcohol in his room that night. It tasted like cherry sprite. 

.

Friendship with Alec was comfort.

It was tumbling into the chair in Alec’s office because Simon had seen Clary in the hall and had slipped straight into a panic attack. 

“Sorry,” he panted, feeling the useless oxygen push against his dead chest as he just tried to breathe and breathe and _breathe_. (Spoiler alert, being a vampire didn’t make that easy.) He didn’t look up at Alec. He just sat in the chair and put his head in his hands and tried to swallow down the panic. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I just-I saw Clary and I...”

A hand touched his knee gently as Alec lowered himself to the ground in front of the chair. “You don’t need to breathe,” Alec said quietly. “Hold your breath for as long as you can and it should stop the instinctual gasping.”

Simon cut off his breathing completely, feeling the air inside his body swirl uselessly. It was quiet in Alec’s office now that Simon wasn’t breathing, and so the vampire looked to Alec and focused on the shadowhunter’s steady heartbeat.

He exhaled sharply when he felt a small pang in his chest, and then inhaled again and held his breath, trying to clear the fog in his mind and get rid of the shakiness in his hands. Alec’s eyes were clear and steady, and Simon locked onto them as he struggled with the blind panic that thundered through his deadened veins. 

“This is so stupid,” he panted through gritted teeth, still tying to maintain eye contact with Alec. “I’m sorry for this.”

Alec merely blinked. “I used to get panic attacks,” he said easily, voice even and calm. “Jace always used to get them as well. After we were made _parabatai_, it got to the point where if one of us had one, the other would have one as well. Izzy eventually coached us out of it. It was a good thing she did, because a few years later she had one bad enough to send her into unconsciousness for a few hours. Panic attacks aren’t uncommon, Simon.”

“But I’m a vampire,” Simon said miserably. 

“Magnus has them. Very rarely, but he does. Not even Downworlders are immune to panic attacks.” Simon nodded and tucked the information away by his heart. He should talk to Magnus later. Alec waited until Simon was breathing regularly again, or at least as regular a vampire _could_ breathe, and then he asked gently, “What happened between you and Clary?”

Simon looked away, scoffing bitterly. _Too much_, should have been his answer. _Too much had happened between us and now she isn’t the Clary I knew or loved_. “We had a fight,” he said eventually, instead of what he was thinking. “She found me and Jace kissing, and flipped out.”

Alec raised an eyebrow. “You hadn’t told her?”

“Jace and I haven’t told anyone. At first, I wanted to wait until you approved and then after that we just...didn’t. And Clary thought that was a personal attack against her. She asked if that meant that I’d faked my feelings for her. I told her that my feelings had changed. I still loved her but as a sibling. I guess that nudged a trigger and suddenly she was just shouting. Apparently she’d suspected something for a while, and that’s why she’d been weird before. Now she just won’t speak to me, gives me the cold shoulder.”

“And why does that panic you so much?”

Simon stared at the Shadowhunter kneeling in front of him and couldn’t help but blurt out, “You should be a therapist.”

Alec looked amused. “I’ll keep it in mind,” he said dryly, lips twisting up as he squeezed Simon’s knee slightly. “Now, c’mon. What is it about Clary that gets you so wound up?”

Simon paused to think. It was a good question, and he really thought Alec should maybe be a shrink, but it was a question that didn’t have an immediate answer. He’d known Clary for more than half of his life, and he was familiar with her. The only thing that could change, that could become foreign and cold, was…

“Her eyes,” he whispered finally, wiping at his eyes tiredly. “It’s her eyes.”

Understanding flickered on Alec’s face, and he reached forward to grip Simon’s hand tightly. “It was inevitable that you two would grow apart. Believe or not, you don’t always have to agree on absolutely everything.”

“But this isn’t just not agreeing,” Simon said, twisting his arm away so that Alec let go. His skin felt tight and itchy, and he really just wanted to forget about it. “I just...have issues, I guess. It’s just awkward between us, that’s all. She isn’t over Jace, I’m over her, and things are a complicated mess.”

Alec made a soft noise, and though he didn’t touch Simon again, the vampire still felt the comfort the Shadowhunter quietly offered.

He stayed in the chair when Alec went back to his desk and started working again. When Jace came to fetch them for dinner, he was hesitant to wake Simon, who’d fallen asleep to the soft breathing of Alec. 

.

Friendship with Alec was arguing.

It was Alec refusing to pick a side when Simon and Jace fought, and Simon getting unfairly angry about it. 

“After all this time, and you still can’t help yourself, can you?” He spat at the dark-haired Shadowhunter, shaking his head and laughing bitterly. “Still have to be a good little dog for your _parabatai_. Newsflash, Alec, you don’t have to cater to his every whim.”

Jace scoffed, but Alec’s face had become stone and Simon wanted to fucking die. “At least my best friend didn’t abandon me because I dated you.”

Simon started, feeling his anger flare back up again. Why couldn’t Jace leave things _alone_? “At least I didn’t stay with someone who made me unhappy because nobody else loved me enough,” he sneered, regretting the words instantly as Jace shut down.

The living _thing_ made solely of anger that was writhing beneath Simon’s skin curled up, satisfied with the hurtful words that had been said. The fighting between him and Jace had always been vicious, fuelled by a mutual self-loathing and knack for bottling up emotions. Usually they would sort it out in a few days and have amazing make up sex.

Usually, they wouldn’t involve Alec.

Now, though, Simon had crossed a line. Alec’s face was blank, but his blue eyes glimmered with something sour and sad. Simon longed to hug him, and soothe away the pain he’d caused, but his own skin felt hot and he really just wanted to lie down.

“I’m sorry Alec,” he murmured softly, folding his arms across his stomach. “I didn’t mean that.”

Alec shook his head. “I have some work to do.” His voice was robotic and cold, and Simon flinched back. Jace just looked pained. “Sort out your domestic fighting somewhere else, please.”

Obediently, Simon turned tail and ran.

(Later, he crept into Alec’s office, sat in the chair, and explained why he’d been so hurt by this specific argument. He cried, Alec said nothing, and Simon didn’t sleep that night.

The next day, Alec gave Simon a new book and told him that they had a reading date in the library. It was Alec’s way or forgiving him.

Simon hugged him. Alec hugged back.)

.

Friendship with Alec was protective.

It was Alec saving Simon from rogue hunters, the shadowhunter’s lips curled into a sneer as he covered Simon with his body. “You go through me,” he said lowly, dangerously, and Simon knew that if Alec had been single and interested, Jace wouldn’t have stood a chance.

When the hunters didn’t back down, and simply demanded that Alec ‘hand over the vampire’, Alec leapt into action and gracefully slid his seraph blade through layers of skin and muscle. Simon gaped at the blood.

“It’s a little over-the-top, don’t you think?” He asked weakly as Alec calmly cleaned the blades and slid them back onto his belt.

“They threatened you,” Alec said simply. “Nobody threatens my friends.”

Similarly, Simon protected Alec. Except Simon didn’t have nice, clean, pretty blades. Simon had fangs and bloodlust and a strong urge to get creative.

He stalked down the street, nostrils flared as he tracked Alec’s fast-fading scent. The Shadowhunter had been taken mere moments ago, managing to get a hurried message to Jace before being subdued.

Simon had been gone before Jace had even started to form a plan.

And now, Simon was hunting. 

_Nobody hurt his friend._

He found the building easily, marching forward and tearing the door off its hinges. He could smell blood, _Nephilim_ blood, and he snarled ferally. Somebody was about to have a _very_ bad day. It was sickeningly cliche, how easy it was to find Alec in the warehouse. The Shadowhunter was tied to a chair, his head hung forward, eyes closed. Simon growled lowly when he spied the blood dripping from a long gash on Alec’s forehead.

“Alec,” he said quietly, gliding forward and pressing a cold finger to Alec’s cheek. “Alec, hey. You gotta wake up man. I gotta get you out of here.”

Alec just groaned weakly, face muscles spasming. 

“You won’t wake him up,” a voice crooned from the darkness. “We had some fun with testing the strength of healing runes.”

Simon bared his teeth. Now that he was looking, he could see the faded runes pasted all over Alec’s skin. Some of them looked red and irritated, scratched into the soft flesh of Alec’s arms and torso.

He was going to _hurt them_. He could feel the protective, almost obsessive anger flare to life in his veins. He was rage, and danger, and _these men had hurt his friend_. He grinned, cold and cruel and calculating.

The men screamed for a long, long time.

He carried Alec back to the Institute, his front splattered with blood. Jace kissed him immediately, and then stayed by Alec’s side while Magnus assessed him.

Friendship with Alec meant that nobody ever got to hurt his friend.

.

Friendship with Alec was easy.

It was casual conversations in the kitchen during breakfast. It was Simon smacking the Shadowhunter gently in the shoulder when Alec said a bad joke.

It was happiness, and platonic love, and everything Simon had ever wanted.

It was okay enough.


End file.
